HARVEST MAGAZINE
Marriage & Parenting 

By Dr. Cathleen McGreal

3 Ways to Build a Parenting Consensus
The joy of the two couples in the pew ahead of us was contagious. The younger couple beamed as the woman showed off her new engagement ring. The older couple grinned affectionately at their daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law. It was clear that this was a happy family.

Through a decision of their adult child, the parents had reached an important milestone on the parenting journey. But what about all the decisions that had to be made earlier in their child's life? It's easy when a course of action seems like the best idea to both parents. But how do parents build a consensus when they disagree?

1. Write down your long-term goals.
When it comes to the most important aspects of raising your children, it is likely that you agree. What are your deepest desires for your children when they become adults? To follow God's will and strive "to love one another even as I have loved you (John 13:24)? To find fulfillment in the professions they choose? To make use of their gifts and talents? Autonomy? Independence? Share your lists with each other and remember that you are on the same team, working toward the same goals.

2. Remember parenting is a journey with many possible paths.
Disagreements may occur because both of you have a different path in mind to reach the same goal. If we think of parenting like a trip from the East Coast to the West Coast, just imagine all the possible routes you could take in 18 years! It is natural to think that one's own choice is best when the road offers options, but remember that your spouse may have plotted a different course. Pray together to be open to creative solutions — God might surprise you!

3. Try a short-term decision
Pick one specific issue that concerns you, such as the children's responsibility for chores. Listen to each other's opinion and try to find a compromise. If you can't, choose one parent's decision and see how it works for two weeks. Plan to come back and make modifications.

During Lent we focus on repentance and look at our lives from different perspectives, becoming "clay in the Potter's hands." Through reconciliation and genuine communication with those closest to us, we draw closer to Christ as we approach the joy and mystery of Easter.

By Deborah McCormack

Experts says...
I think we can all relate to John and Sarah. Our parents don't warn us about how much work a marriage can take. Society just lets us go into this long-term commitment without really understanding what we are in for.

The best part of a marriage is the knowledge that you are truly cared for and loved by another individual. Trust and commitment lay the foundation for us to weather the storms of a relationship, John and Sarah need to start there.

First, John and Sarah need to really talk about what is bothering them at a time when they are not frustrated and angry. Direct conversation is always helpful. Letting one person speak and really listening takes patience and thinking time. Sarah and John should give each other that time. One speaks and one listens. Then the other person has his or her chance. This gives each partner time to understand the other's thoughts and feelings.

Once they understand each other's point of view, they can work out a compromise — understanding that John may have to help out a little more and Sarah may need to relax her standards a little bit.

This article is a reprint from the March/April 2006 of the Harvest Magazine, a publication of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland, Maine.

Visit our Maine Gifts Catalog